How do separating couples cope with the emotional turmoil while trying to stay calm and rational for settlement negotiations?

Where there are children, parenting arrangements need to be made, in the children`s best interests. How tough is that, when you are angry, overwhelmed, sad, resentful, anxious or fearful?

You need good advice. Good advice is not about telling you what you want to hear. Good advice is not about ignoring the other story in your relationship. Good advice is not about single options. Good advice is not always instantaneous.

I did not have to spend time “selling” the process because it had been chosen by the parties. I found that the parties were less anxious and I put this down to them having control over the process and the timelines. The matter, therefore, moved as quickly or as slowly as they needed, based on their emotional readiness and/or the time reasonably necessary to collate their financial information.

A woman in a family law case a few years ago detailed her experience of family law litigation, sometimes receiving up to five letters a day, including on weekends, from her ex-husband’s lawyer. Apparently, “the letters were sometimes angry, [allegedly] threatening, inflammatory and accusatory.” To stand a chance the woman felt she had no choice but to pay her lawyers to read and respond to each one of these letters.

Outcome wise, you may get a very different result from what you are hoping for. Litigation is a long process of information gathering, and it is usually not until right at the end of the process that everyone has the relevant information available to allow a proper assessment of your matter.

When going through separation and divorce life throws a lot of things at you. It’s not unusual for people to be struggling with emotions, or to be worried about their financial future, or how they will parent their children. The law has very few answers to the real questions and worries that people have at this time.

You then start to explore what sits behind your positions.

For instance, you have the position that you want a 50% split on the asset pool - because you're deeply worried about your financial future.

Similarly with your desire to keep 'your' superannuation - the idea of not being able to retire until you’re in your 70s scares you.

Wanting to have the kids on the big holidays - and wanting to live near their school - reflects your worry that you will drift out of their lives as they get older and be excluded from their day-to-day lives.

Finally, money has been a long-time source of tension for you and your ex in the past, and you just don't want to fight about it anymore.

At the same time, you don't want to just concede every point just to 'keep the peace'.

It is in such cases where the Collaboration process can be particularly useful for children as it embraces the use of a Child Specialist in a collaborative and empathic rather than forensic manner. Having had extensive experience in the Court system as well as in Collaborative practice I see this distinction as crucial.