Goal Setting In Divorce
Your divorce is going to be disorienting.
The future you had is now gone and now you have to work out what the new future will look like.
It's natural to feel lost during this process, to feel like you're floating in becalmed seas.
In my experience as a financial adviser helping couples navigate their own divorce, I've learned that there's something that will help you take back control: goals.
Setting Goals
It's easy to talk about goals when life is going smoothly. They're the fun things off in our future, that will define the person we want to be.
But when the path you're walking veers sharply uphill - through a divorce, say - then the priority becomes simply putting one foot in front of the other.
Your attention goes to more pressing matters, like the kids, the bills, work, paying for your lawyer, and a thousand other things that consume your day - not planning for some far off set of goals.
However, this is when goals become even more vital.
Having clear goals in mind helps in two powerful ways:
Articulating and pursuing your goals is empowering, particularly when you feel like life’s out of control.
They allow you to draw the map you and your team can follow through your divorce.
So setting goals through divorce is tough, but valuable. The thing is, what is a 'good' goal - and how do you set them?
An Alternative Approach
This is where some of my work on the financial advice side might be useful.
One of the first thing I do with my financial planning clients is to build their 'goal hierarchy'. It's a concept I've taken from Eric Trexler's work on behaviour change in the realm of fitness.
It's useful in these more positive contexts, but I believe it can also apply in the more emotional world of divorce.
A goal hierarchy is, as it sounds, captures your goals. It also lists the actions you will take to increase the chances of achieving them.
It also divides your goals into three, distinct tiers: your Primary, Secondary and Tertiary goals.
Where a Primary goal is your overarching, incredibly important, vital Interest, or something that’s of core importance to you.
While a Secondary goal is a more traditional Goal, which describes a part of your interest that you wish to achieve.
And a Tertiary goal feeds into your secondary goals, by capturing how you're going to achieve the other layers of your hierarchy.
Sounds complicated, right?
Well - maybe an example could help.
Case Study - Clarifying Your Goals, Positions and Interests
Say you're a 47-year-old father of two kids (aged 12 and 9).
In your meeting with your collaborative lawyer, part of your interdisciplinary collaborative divorce team, you explain what you want from the divorce process.
You want:
The process and the outcome to be 'fair'.
The kids to be, and feel, well cared for and loved by both parents.
To continue parenting together, without being undermined or alienated.
To buy a house within 10 minutes of the kids school.
To avoid an expensive and drawn-out legal process.
50% split on the asset pool.
To keep your own superannuation.
The kids on Christmas and their birthdays.
To be able to discuss expenses for the kids, without being expected to pay for everything.
After hearing these goals, you and your lawyer group these goals into interests (the Primary aspects of what you want, that are really important to you) and positions (the specific and discrete things you want):
Positions
50% split on the asset pool.
To keep your own superannuation.
The kids on Christmas and their birthdays.
To buy a house within 10 minutes of the kids school.
To be able to discuss expenses for the kids, without being expected to pay for everything.
Interests
The process and the outcome to be 'fair'.
To be able to continue parenting together, without being isolated, undermined or alienated.
Avoid an expensive and drawn-out legal process.
The kids to be, and feel, well cared for and loved by both of us.
You then start to explore what sits behind your positions.
For instance, you have the position that you want a 50% split on the asset pool - because you're deeply worried about your financial future.
Similarly with your desire to keep 'your' superannuation - the idea of not being able to retire until you’re in your 70s scares you.
Wanting to have the kids on the big holidays - and wanting to live near their school - reflects your worry that you will drift out of their lives as they get older and be excluded from their day-to-day lives.
Finally, money has been a long-time source of tension for you and your ex in the past, and you just don't want to fight about it anymore.
At the same time, you don't want to just concede every point just to 'keep the peace'.
From this discussion, you and your lawyer have another shot at your goals and interests:
The process and the outcome to be 'fair'.
The kids to be, and feel, cared for by two respectful parents who are deeply involved in their lives.
To avoid an expensive and drawn-out legal process.
To feel relatively confident that your financial future isn't hopeless.
To find another way of discussing money that doesn't end in either conflict or capitulation.
Now you can start building out your goal hierarchy.
Your Hierarchy
Each of your interests sits in the top tier of your hierarchy - the Primary level.
Then it's about identifying the Secondary goals that 'feed' into the Primary level, that will help you to achieve your Primary interests.
An interesting point is here that you'll find some goals directly leading into multiple Primary goals.
For instance, say you set yourself the goal of 'be respectful and expect respect in return' as a Secondary goal.
This goal would help you achieve the following interests:
The kids to be, and feel, cared for by…
To avoid an expensive and drawn-out legal process.
To find another way of discussing money…
Another Secondary goal might be ‘Find an Acceptable Home’.
This could help achieve your goal of feeling confident about your future and potentially help you discuss money without arguing.
Once you've established your Secondary goals, then it's on to what I consider the more 'mechanical' phase - the Tertiary level.
This is where we set specific, clear goals and habits.
So, for the Secondary Goal of "Finding an Acceptable Home", you might set the following Tertiary Goals:
Contact a broker to find out my borrowing capacity.
Speak with a Buyer’s Agent to see what’s available.
Set a budget to see if the repayments are manageable.
Spend every Saturday looking for a house that meets my criteria.
Set a deadline.
Pursuing these goals sets the direction of your efforts. And by placing them within the context of your personal goal hierarchy, you know that these efforts are aligned with the future that you want for your family after the divorce.
This is reflected in some potential Tertiary Goals that could underpin your other Secondary Goal of 'be respectful and expect respect in return':
Write down 5 ways that I can show respect through this process.
Write down 5 examples of disrespect that I will no longer accept.
Meet with a therapist to work on demonstrating respect and setting boundaries.
Ask my lawyer and the team to prioritise productive respect.
Now, I know these can sound a little out there compared to your usual divorce conversation ("nah, you should get 80%" says every supportive, but not helpful, friend, cousin or sibling).
But this stream of goals will help you feel more in control of the process, demonstrate to your children how important these goals are and help you avoid that horrible feeling of giving up all control.
DIY Hierarchy
If this approach resonates with you and you feel like it could help you set the direction of your own divorce process, here's a quick summary:
Your goal hierarchy should have three levels:
a. Primary Goals - the big picture interests that you want to support, achieve and protect through the process.
Think 'I want the process to be fair'.
b. Secondary Goals - less abstract, still general but a little specific.
Think ‘the process will feel fair to me if I feel like I have an equal voice in the process, especially in any meetings.’
c. Tertiary Goals - the most specific element, the 'building blocks' of the other goals.
Think 'I will write down the points I want to make before every meeting'.
There is a difference between Positions and Interests, though Goals can serve either purpose.
a. However, chasing Goals in the pursuit of your Positions is more likely to lead to conflict.
b. While chasing Goals to protect and prioritise your Interests is more likely to lead to creativity and positive solutions.
Further Reading
"An Evidence-Based Approach to Goal Setting and Behavior Change" Trexler, E.
"The Role of Goal Setting in a Healthy Divorce Process" Hoistad, Dr. J.
"Setting and Prioritizing Goals and Interests" Webb, S. G., Ouskey, R. D.
"Examples of Common Goals and Interests in Divorce and Separation Cases" Becker, L. D.
Jordan Vaka is a Financial Neutral. To find out more, visit www.planningsolo.com.au/blog or send him an email - jordan@planningsolo.com.au